You Have to See This to Believe It: A Felon Goes #Sheetfaced
When does armed robbery become front page news in the K-beauty community? When it’s a felon going #sheetfaced. Yes — a sheet mask (albeit a poorly fitting sheet mask). Contributing editor Coco Park investigates.
OK y’all, we have reached peak #masking. In California, a man pulled off a robbery wearing a sloppy sheet mask — and I have so many questions.
Was this a member of our beauty community? Did he get so excited to hit up these awesome Black Friday and holiday sales that he felt the need to go out and scare someone to death by robbing them at gunpoint for skincare coins? I mean, yes that Sulwhasoo is expensive — I feel you, my guy — but there’s no need to rob anyone over it.
What I’m also dying to know is, which mask was it? Did he try a variety of masks looking for a better fit on that giant ham face of his? Did he select it for its skincare properties? Did he read the ingredients over and purposely avoid alcohol and carrageenan like I do?
Another thing this story got me thinking about is: What masks would I have recommended for this man to commit his stupid string of felony robberies in? Let’s take a look.
Innisfree It’s Real Squeeze Mask Rose
OK dude, you’ve done seven robberies. Seven! You obviously need to calm the F down. How about some nice soothing rose? This Innisfree mask contains Rosa centifolia flower juice, which is soothing and pleasant. This mask does contain alcohol, but something tells me a guy like you isn’t worried about that and likes to live dangerously.
Moksha Dear Tea Tree Mask Sheet Essence Type
Is it a raging case of acne that’s got you on edge? Did you know tea tree is an ancient and excellent treatment to soothe inflamed skin (and hopefully tempers)? Not only has Moksha’s got tea tree, it’s also got Centella asiatica leaf extract, which studies have shown help heal wounds significantly faster. It won’t heal your desperate need for cash, but it will help soothe and heal your face.
Goodal Black Charcoal Mask Oxygen Radiance
Feeling all blocked up with congested pores and that got you in the robbin’ mood? Maybe try treating them with charcoal. Our own Editor in Chief high priestess gave it her approval and named it a holy grail, so surely it’s good enough for a common criminal. Plus it has the added benefit of looking like a proper robber’s mask since it’s black.
Moksha Dear Honey Mask Sheet
Maybe you’re a giant cranky man-baby because your skin is dry, so you felt the need to lash out and stick a gun in innocent people’s faces. Look, I understand — nobody likes being dry (chill on the damn armed robbery part tho). Moksha is going to come to your rescue again with this one. How about some nice soothing honey? Moksha Dear Honey Mask Sheets are frankly too nice for a piece of garbage like you, but as a skincare professional I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer up my best suggestions. This excellent mask contains the winning trifecta of honey, royal jelly, and propolis. That should be enough, but it also has Salvia sclarea extract, which is an anti-inflammatory and astringent. I wish that worked on souls, ’cause yours needs both.
A’Pieu Silicone Mask Cover
Finally, you obvious and very embarrassing amateur, don’t you know that the pros like us all have one of these silicone mask covers on decky for our masks so that we can, you know, get sh—t done while masking? You’re out here looking like a dried up piece of sadness with your ill-fitting mask all curled up like a forgotten slice of radish, while we’re over here getting our chores done without breaking stride thanks to our mask covers. They solve any ill-fit problems as they hold the mask onto your face, keeping it from sliding around (or sliding off), and sealing in all those beneficial juices, serums, and creams. They’re $5, and I’m pretty sure you can afford one now with your ill gotten gains.
My final advice to you, Mr. Robber? Better build up your moisture barrier now before you’re sent to prison, ’cause there ain’t no skincare behind bars. Unless fermented toilet wine has some kind of Saccharomyces Ferment Filtrate thing going on? Oh man … we need to look into that.