Armpits, Belly Buttons, and Yes, Down There 😳: K-Beauty Below the Neck

Korean beauty is not just about a glowing complexion and long-lasting lip tints. Apparently it’s also about the pursuit of silky soft armpits, milky-hued knees, and fresh smelling, well, everything.

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As if you didn't have enough things to be worried about, Korea is here to remind you that virginal, pale, pristine body parts are something you need to strive for.

I try not to be a culture critic. It's really not my place to widen my eyes in disbelief when I come across a bizarre product, especially when I hail from the land of earlobe tightening surgery and vocal cord scraping. (God f—king forbid you don't look 25, now you also have to sound like it too.) But sometimes K-beauty hits me with products that make me ask myself insane questions like: "Omg are my armpits white enough?" "Are all my holes clean?" And the very worrisome "how hot and burning is my body??"

We've rounded up some of the most extreme body part obsessive products in K-beauty, and we're going to sit here and analyze them until I don't feel like screaming anymore. Ready? Let's all take our inferior armpits and get to it.

Tighten up

Ok, anal bleaching is a thing. It's a huge thing in America. Kanye even rapped about it. So I guess it's not too far of a jump that whitening your genitals is apparently a thing being sought out in Korea? (I feel like I really needed to add that question mark to the end of that sentence because when I say it back to myself, it always sounds like a pleading question.)

It’s Skin Secret Body Solution Whitening Essence, which looks both crazy innocent and delicate and also a lot like a fancy butt plug, could be used for fairly innocuous reasons. It's marketed as a whitening essence for the elbow and heel areas. Which, OK, that's weird but not overly crazy. The part where I stopped chewing my cereal was when I saw that the ingredients include white floral complex and collagen for moisturizing and "tightening" care. We all know what that means, cause ain't nobody out here trying to tighten their elbows. This is being bought to be used as a vaginal rejuvenating and lightening product. The sponge tip applicator can dab your poon into a glorious lightened, tighter state, according to my sh—tty Google translations.

I guess this shouldn't be a huge shock. Vaginal rejuvenation is huge (haaa) in Korea. Just a quick Google search will lead you to scores of clinics in Korea boasting the ability to turn out tightened up tooties, refreshed and ready to go. Apparently, going in for a tune-up after childbirth is a normal thing. I don't quite understand this; the risks of these types of surgeries are huge and unless there is medical trauma, your vagidoodle snaps right back to normal for the most part. IDK, maybe I'm just speaking from a place of privilege here. My man is 6'3" and wears a size 13 boot. Everything on that man is large and if anything, I'd like It's Skin to come out with a loosening product; that'd make me a lot happier and more comfortable. Maybe if your man is complaining about your lady cave's dimensions, it's time to upgrade your man and not your vag?

Scent of the month

From the perils of childbirth to the thing that makes it possible — that lovely time of the month. Those days where your only worries during your period was not murdering someone or keeping white jeans stain-free are apparently a quaint thing of the past. Now not only do you have to worry about that, you have to make sure you eliminate all traces of being on your period with what essentially boils down to panty potpourri. Enter Milky Dress Lingerie on the Virgin Herb-Fore (what a hilarious mouthful):

"If it’s that time of the month, and you're concerned about odors, all it takes is one drop on your lingerie. This clinically tested, highly concentrated therapy oil features a complex fragrance of lemon, bergamot, orange, ginger, cardamom, osmanthus, tea, cypress, and mild amber, while maintaining a pH balance of 4.5 to 6.5."

Well, on the positive side, at least they took the delicate pH into account, so kudos for that. But anyone who bathes regularly really doesn't need to worry about that, do they? Is it an urban myth that bears and lions can smell menstruating women and will attack a camp if they do? Maybe the inventor of this product had a wife mauled in a tragic bear attack. We don't know.

Clean those crevices

A’Pieu Hole Cleaner sounds like it should go hand in hand with the Milky Dress Lingerie on the Virgin Herb-Fore period buster team, but this one is really an innocent belly button and ear cleaner. As innocent as it is, I bet you didn't know that you needed a special separate cleaner for those areas. Well, now you know you do, and this whole time you've been living like heathen savages.

Turn up the heat

Missha Hot Burning Perfect Body Gel is just straight-up hilarious based on the name alone. It sounds like the type of body wash Satan is going to have in my Welcome to Hell basket I'll be issued at the gates. What it actually is is a "body gel that helps firm and tighten sagging skin, especially for areas of concern like the upper arms, stomach, waist, hips, and thighs." Bruh, I've got news for you: Ain't no gel on earth going to tighten and firm that mess I've got going on with my upper arms and stomach post-10-pound baby. However, if you like the smell, by all means indulge.

Fair and lovely?

Ah, the Milky Dress Virgin Peach. This one takes the cake. Did you know it's frowned upon to have any "darkness" on the body in Korea? From lips to nips, pink is the aim of the game. For some reason, pink is virginal and aspirational. No thanks! However, if you just can't sleep at night unless your tits look like they're topped with bubble gum, I guess give this Virgin Peach product a whirl. It promises to turn "darkened skin" back to a "lovely pink." Some of us like brown, but OK. Milky Dress Virgin Peach contains arbutin, a well-known lightening agent, as well as beta-glucan for moisturizing and adenosine for wrinkle care. What's not to love (said with heavy sarcasm)?

Pit stop

Attention! Attention! Keep those arms down! Hailing a taxi in the summertime might be met with scorn from the judgemental old f—ks driving the cars! It's not like you should care, but in the event that society has gotten to you, there's a slew of products just waiting to cover, dye, and lighten those armpits back to their virginal baby whiteness. (Ew.)

You were given a body with all sorts of crevices and curves, but my god, you're not supposed to look like you actually live in it! Stop living! Choose from the Milky Dress Deo Essence to soften, moisturize, and lighten the armpits, or grab that It’s Skin Secret Body Solution Whitening Essence again and repurpose it to your pits. (Will that cause me to have tighter armpits as well?) There's also Missha Milkening Body Spot Brightener, which you can also use on those unsightly elbows (you know, the ones that actually look like flexible joints instead of Barbie elbows?). You can top it all off with A’Pieu Deo Armpit Powder, which is a soothing, cooling floral deodorant armpit powder that honestly sounds like the most pleasant thing of the bunch and something I might actually order. Reminder to self: Don't always throw out the baby with the bathwater.

So have you tried any of these K-beauty body products? If so, what’d you think? If not, what would you be curious about?